Isolation Day 6

"If I say, 'I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name,' there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot."

Jeremiah 20:9

This verse is dear to my heart.  I first read it when I was studying at Simpson Bible College (now Simpson University) in Redding, California, and I remember what an impact those words had on me.  Even though the prophet Jeremiah was being mocked for speaking what the Lord told him to say, he could not contain it as if it were a fire in his very being that had to be spoken.  Talk about a burning passion for something, and God's word of all amazing things!

I have one full day left of isolation.  Praise God!!!  I have been able to be within three feet of my parents and my sister for about two hours at a time, I still pose a risk to children under the age of five...  including those in utero.  I have had so much time to reflect on God's word, but I will be glad to get back to "normal" life after my full body scan.  Aside from a clean bill of health (the scan is Monday morning, but I probably won't have results until Tuesday), my prayer is that God will continue to allow me to see Him in the daily tasks ahead.  Whether it is a full at day home in ministry to my son, or to my husband, or to a friend, or even just (I say that somewhat sarcastically, noting the very weight that word lacks) just time spent with my God in prayer.

I have countless who people have comment on my strength through all of this.  Let me let you in on a little secret...  I have none.  I am a very weak person, prone to crumble at the slightest obstacle, and I have done so many, many times in the past.  I am passive aggressive by nature, and I can put up an amazing front.  I had a friend in college dumbfounded once.  I was crying over a devastating event, but smiling.  What?!  Yes, that's kind of creepy, and a totally weird and random coping mechanism.  I smile naturally, all the time.  I tune out people who raise their voice at me not out of disrespect, but because I figure if they are that worked up, they should probably not be taken seriously until they can gather themselves because they are probably not thinking straight.  I communicate serious matters better through writing or typing my thoughts.  I started my first journal when I was ten years old (thanks for realizing I needed an outlet, Mom).  I have also learned that this is not always the best way to resolve conflicts with people who don't respond well to writing, and I have slowly (and I mean s l o w l y) learned to verbalize my responses even if sometimes, most times, they come too late!  However, writing is how God created me to process my thoughts best. I probably won't keep this particular blog up after Tuesday, in fact, that is my ultimate hope!  I am a more private person, and prefer to write my innermost thoughts in a journal instead of for the entire world to see.  God placed this matter on my heart to share.  Because of that, you are currently reading the byproduct of my main coping source throughout this particular trial.

So, back to strength, it is by God's strength alone that I am getting through all of this.  I have felt the peace that the bible mentions.  The "peace that surpasses all understanding" (Philippians 4:7), and it is truly beyond my comprehension how I can be at complete peace in the midst of the proverbial storm.  I know God goes before me, and sometimes only shines the light far enough for me to safely see my next step instead of the next ten feet, but He has never failed me.  I have known Him longer than any other friend, and He has never left me.  I know that I am always welcome back in His unconditional arms of love and safety.  While I fully believe that He is allowing my family and me to be faced with this unfortunate situation, He loves us enough to rescue us daily, one step at a time. Thank you Cerise, for the reminder!

That is the only way I can give my family, my friends, my acquaintances into His care.  He is the One who holds them tightly.  He is strength in me, because I am a weak, broken person who needs just as much saving as anyone else.  I have definitely not learned to surrender the first time, or ever in some cases.  I am a stubborn child, and have still been known to throw temper tantrums in the presence of my God, but I imagine Him doing what I do with Sam sometimes...  Crossing his arms, looking down at me with a slightly disappointed look on His face, and saying, "are you done?  Because, I have something better for you if you'd just listen!"  And I'm sure I look at him with about as much understanding as Sam looks at me!

When you think of the strength I have, please think instead of the strength that God provides because I'm just borrowing His.  Think of the fire that He can place inside your heart to burn for a passion worth living and speaking (or writing in my case).  I continue to pray that God will be glorified through this trial, and that you will find encouragement and seek your own refuge in strength that comes from God alone!

Love,
Beth