A Clean Bill of Health!

"Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!"

Philippians 4:4

Always, not sometimes, not just when I feel like it, not once in a while... always!  In the bad, in the good, in the in-between.  Rejoice!  Thank you, Lord!

On May 2nd, Sam and I went to visit Nate at work.  The three of us headed to grab smoothies for an afternoon break, and I checked my text messages as we walked because I had a few from before I left the house.  That's when I got the good news.  On the sidewalk, outside Nate's office.  We cried tears of joy and relief and Sam smiled and looked at us like we were crazy... laughing and crying all at once!

It's been a whole month since that day: "uneventful administration of radioactive iodine."  My body has been rid of thyroid cancer!  Praise the Lord!

My last post was a little bleak, I must admit.  I was shaken, even though I knew that the technician is not a doctor and cannot offer a diagnosis, my nurse brain still went crazy wondering why the radiation was appearing in my liver when, according to the technician, it should not.  I know that my liver filters my blood, and that if the radiation was still in my body that it was highly likely to still be filtering out of my system through my kidneys, intestines, and even my liver.  Being a nurse and a patient is the worst!

What a testament to the fact that I am human.  As I waited those five days for that report, I prayed and asked God to take away my fear.  I had moments when Nate would get home from work that I watched, with tear filled eyes, my husband interact with our sweet son knowing that they survived a very trying week without me.  I feared and wondered and feared some more that my scan would come back with news that I could not bear, but I knew that God would take care of my husband and my son if that were the case.  I prayed, and literally cried out to God, for peace in the waiting.

I must say that my emotions got the best of me that week, and I say this to remind family and friends that none of us are immune to attacks no matter how weak or strong anyone (including ourselves) thinks our faith is.  However, God is steadfast, as always, and He calls us back into his loving and capable arms even when we stumble and even when we fear.  I know that I am very fortunate to have this story to tell.  I am thankful that God chose to give me more time with my family and friends.  I count every day, every minute, every breath as a true blessing.  Life is too short to have wasted moments!

I am so very thankful for the support, love and encouragement that we received from family, friends, and so many people that we didn't even know before all of this began.  It has been a life changing experience.  I spend a lot less time in front of a screen these days, and this will be my last post to this blog.  I am looking forward to a summer filled with life and quality time with the wonderful people God has blessed me with!

Thank you for taking the time to read this!  My continued prayer is that God be glorified through my life and actions.  I hope you are encouraged by the story He has allowed me to tell.

Love,
Beth

Still Waiting

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

My homecoming was a wonderful moment, filled with many happy tears. The amount of radiation left in my body was not enough to be harmful to Sam and it continues to diminish every day. It has been an amazing week of reconnecting with Nate and Sam. I am in awe daily of how blessed I am to have such a capable husband. I would not have left my boys home alone if I didn't have every confidence that Nate would be the perfect caregiver for our son. The bond they share now is such a fun thing to see. My heart is full. 

I had my whole body scan on Monday morning and, for some reason, the report has failed to get into the hands of anyone that can actually give the results to me. A comment from the technician during the scan has worried me all week. The radiation appeared to have metastasized, however it was unclear to my untrained eye as to where. I have continued to cry out in prayer this week while rejoicing in the beautiful life God has blessed me with so far. 

Please pray with us that the cancer has not metastasized (spread) to my lungs, liver or bone… or anywhere for that matter. My prayer is that it was showing up in leftover breast milk (which makes much more sense, also considering the type of cancer I have, and my age). My dear friend Ann is on the case today, working on obtaining results so that my doctor can hopefully share them with me before the weekend. 

I would be lying if I did not admit that I am extremely frustrated with this process, and can better empathize with my patients in this regard. However, in the past, when I have had to wait for important news (a husband, getting into nursing school, a baby, and state board results to name a few) the results have always been beyond my best expectations. While I hope this trend continues in that waiting longer is a good thing, I still worry, and fear the worst. So, please, pray for a positive outcome today. Thank you for your continued support! May God continue to be glorified, and His will be done!

Love,
Beth

Isolation Day 7 - Last Post Until Tuesday!

"If you say, 'The Lord is my refuge,' and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent."

Psalm 91:9-10

I am not a bible scholar, and I am definitely not a teacher.  I pray everyone that reads this is aware that I have used various scriptures throughout this journey to convey the strength I derive from God's written word.  This particular scripture, you may find odd to use because, sure, I'm not in a tent, but cancer may be considered a "disaster."  How dare I use this?!  Well, let me explain why.

So much of the bible is written as a document of historical events, letters, songs, and experiences that people in the past went through.  This Psalm was not written by me, or even specifically for me.  It may have been written by Moses, but I know that God can use the words of someone else to encourage me, and help me understand His character better.  It is so important to understand scripture better by reading entire chapters or books.  

My personal goal in writing through my experience is that God's character and power would be revealed for someone else too.  I am not writing a bible, these words are not the word of God, but I apply God's word to my life and take refuge in Him, knowing that I can find strength in other people's experiences as I hope someone can find His strength in what I've written.  I'm sure this post can be misconstrued terribly, but I pray it isn't, and that the heart of my message is received!  Thank you Roxanne for sharing this Psalm with me this morning!

Today is my last day of isolation.  Tomorrow morning, I will use Clorox wipes to clean everything I've touched in the last 7 days, and climb in my car that I haven't started in as much time, and pray that my scan comes back clean.  My biggest, most important prayer request though, is that the little Geiger counter that the technician waves in front of me will not beep near my body at all, meaning I am no longer a radioactive threat to my family!

I probably will not write another post until Tuesday after I get my results.  So please, join with me in praying over my reunion with Nate and Sam, my experience at the hospital tomorrow morning, and a clean bill of health to make this entire experience become a thing of the past very quickly!

Thank you so much for reading and journeying along with me.  Thank you for praying and encouraging me to continue seeking God's hand of strength, grace and mercy.  I pray that you find refuge in Him today.  

Happy Sunday, friends!

Love,

Beth

Isolation Day 6

"If I say, 'I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name,' there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot."

Jeremiah 20:9

This verse is dear to my heart.  I first read it when I was studying at Simpson Bible College (now Simpson University) in Redding, California, and I remember what an impact those words had on me.  Even though the prophet Jeremiah was being mocked for speaking what the Lord told him to say, he could not contain it as if it were a fire in his very being that had to be spoken.  Talk about a burning passion for something, and God's word of all amazing things!

I have one full day left of isolation.  Praise God!!!  I have been able to be within three feet of my parents and my sister for about two hours at a time, I still pose a risk to children under the age of five...  including those in utero.  I have had so much time to reflect on God's word, but I will be glad to get back to "normal" life after my full body scan.  Aside from a clean bill of health (the scan is Monday morning, but I probably won't have results until Tuesday), my prayer is that God will continue to allow me to see Him in the daily tasks ahead.  Whether it is a full at day home in ministry to my son, or to my husband, or to a friend, or even just (I say that somewhat sarcastically, noting the very weight that word lacks) just time spent with my God in prayer.

I have countless who people have comment on my strength through all of this.  Let me let you in on a little secret...  I have none.  I am a very weak person, prone to crumble at the slightest obstacle, and I have done so many, many times in the past.  I am passive aggressive by nature, and I can put up an amazing front.  I had a friend in college dumbfounded once.  I was crying over a devastating event, but smiling.  What?!  Yes, that's kind of creepy, and a totally weird and random coping mechanism.  I smile naturally, all the time.  I tune out people who raise their voice at me not out of disrespect, but because I figure if they are that worked up, they should probably not be taken seriously until they can gather themselves because they are probably not thinking straight.  I communicate serious matters better through writing or typing my thoughts.  I started my first journal when I was ten years old (thanks for realizing I needed an outlet, Mom).  I have also learned that this is not always the best way to resolve conflicts with people who don't respond well to writing, and I have slowly (and I mean s l o w l y) learned to verbalize my responses even if sometimes, most times, they come too late!  However, writing is how God created me to process my thoughts best. I probably won't keep this particular blog up after Tuesday, in fact, that is my ultimate hope!  I am a more private person, and prefer to write my innermost thoughts in a journal instead of for the entire world to see.  God placed this matter on my heart to share.  Because of that, you are currently reading the byproduct of my main coping source throughout this particular trial.

So, back to strength, it is by God's strength alone that I am getting through all of this.  I have felt the peace that the bible mentions.  The "peace that surpasses all understanding" (Philippians 4:7), and it is truly beyond my comprehension how I can be at complete peace in the midst of the proverbial storm.  I know God goes before me, and sometimes only shines the light far enough for me to safely see my next step instead of the next ten feet, but He has never failed me.  I have known Him longer than any other friend, and He has never left me.  I know that I am always welcome back in His unconditional arms of love and safety.  While I fully believe that He is allowing my family and me to be faced with this unfortunate situation, He loves us enough to rescue us daily, one step at a time. Thank you Cerise, for the reminder!

That is the only way I can give my family, my friends, my acquaintances into His care.  He is the One who holds them tightly.  He is strength in me, because I am a weak, broken person who needs just as much saving as anyone else.  I have definitely not learned to surrender the first time, or ever in some cases.  I am a stubborn child, and have still been known to throw temper tantrums in the presence of my God, but I imagine Him doing what I do with Sam sometimes...  Crossing his arms, looking down at me with a slightly disappointed look on His face, and saying, "are you done?  Because, I have something better for you if you'd just listen!"  And I'm sure I look at him with about as much understanding as Sam looks at me!

When you think of the strength I have, please think instead of the strength that God provides because I'm just borrowing His.  Think of the fire that He can place inside your heart to burn for a passion worth living and speaking (or writing in my case).  I continue to pray that God will be glorified through this trial, and that you will find encouragement and seek your own refuge in strength that comes from God alone!

Love,
Beth

Isolation Day 5

"He said, 'Come.' So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, 'Lord, save me.'"

Matthew 14: 29-30

I love that story!  Even when we have no faith, Jesus still reaches out His hand to save us.  We just have to surrender and know He will!  I'm sitting in my little spot in my parent's garage with the door open, a cup of chamomile tea in one hand, and I'm listening to a beautiful spring rain and the Spotify playlist I made the other day.  Every song on there has been a source of encouragement to me during some trial or life changing experience.  Every song points back to God's grace and reminds me that I am not alone in anything I face.  The running theme?  Water.  Rain.  Storms.  Being pulled back to the surface when I can't get there on my own, and remembering that water washes away the old and brings new life.  The Living Water that sustains me in this life.

I have been praying for so many people during this week.  My days have been filled with so many emotions: joy, fear, peace and heartache to name some.  I prayed before this week started that I would have quality time with the Lord, seeking him as my refuge.  What a sweet time it has been so far!  It is also a good reminder that I need to find those moments in my every day life where I can seek him deeply.  Two places I have felt most connected to the Lord have always been this little apartment or near the ocean.  I remember getting out of my car at the beach one day a few years ago, and the moment I smelled the ocean I wept.  It was a joyful, fearful, peaceful, heartache kind of weeping. A day of surrender to the Lord.  True surrender is a sweet, powerful, comforting feeling.  Knowing that God is in control of it all, and that He only wants the best for us is unfortunately a scary and difficult thing to accept on a regular basis!

Please pray for me physically.  My taste buds are still a little off.  It's strange to eat anything relatively sweet and have it taste so sweet that it makes me queasy sometimes.  Not every time, so it's been kind of a guessing game.  My parents have totally spoiled me in providing foods I request each day since I've been off my low-iodine diet.  If you know me at all, you know I like to bake and cook, but I love to eat!  Having a full stomach has been a huge blessing.  Also, please continue to pray for Monday that enough radiation has left my body that I can go home, and that the scan shows no cancer anywhere in my body.  While there may have been some residual thyroid tissue in my neck (an expectation after the thyroidectomy), please pray that the iodine did not find it anywhere else!

Please pray for Nate and Sam.  I am officially, physically the furthest I've ever been from Sam, and today marks the longest amount of time that I've gone without seeing Nate in person since the day we met in 2007.  Please pray for their safety and a wonderful little adventure together.  Sam is finally mostly better with only an occasional croupy cough.  I am praising God for His hand of healing over my son.  Please also pray that Nate would remain healthy through the weekend and beyond.

Thank you for praying for us!  I hope you enjoy the rain today if it is raining where you are!  If you'd like to check out the Spotify playlist I made, you can find it here: Promises.  I know some of the songs might seem strange to you, but each one is dear to my heart for one reason or another.  I encourage you to make your own encouraging mix if you like to do that sort of thing.

As always, I pray that God is glorified through all of this.  I pray that He will meet you in your trials as He has met me time and time again, and that you will find comfort in His peaceful embrace.  He is a mighty, powerful, gentle, loving God!

Love,
Beth

Isolation Day 4

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” 

Philippians 4:8

What a difference a restful night and some perspective have on things. While Sam is still not completely back to normal, he has not vomited since yesterday and he is a happy little person! I could practically hear Nate’s smile through the phone this morning! I woke up with a little more energy than usual, something I haven’t felt in a while. Praise God for a new day!

I thought I’d take this opportunity to share, and maybe dispell some of the misconceptions wrapped around cancer and the treatment of this terrible thing that so many people unfortunately have to endure. It seems to be a mystical weirdness that invades random people, but just because it is a cancer, does not mean it is always treated the same way.  Some types of cancer require surgery, some chemotherapy, and others radiation while still others require a combination or all of those things.  You would be amazed, if cancer is a foreign mystery to you, how many drugs and treatments there are.  It is not a universal system people go into like a funnel once they receive the big CANCER diagnosis.  While my form of cancer is among “the least of these” in the cancer world, it still has to be treated once discovered. It still has the potential to spread and do harmful things to the rest of my body. However, I was not sick or having any ill effects when it was discovered, nor do I “feel” sick now.  The weight loss I was experiencing was exclusively related to my diet and breastfeeding.  I have put a little weight back on, and that has been a huge praise!

So many times, and I believe my patients would agree with me, the treatment is so much worse than the illness. Do not get me wrong, cancer can cause pain, discomfort and so many terrible things in the human body, but I have seen the effects of chemotherapy and radiation. It’s mean stuff, and it does not always work the first, second or, in some unfortunate cases, any subsequent time.

I feel very fortunate that so far (and hopefully ever), all that is required for me to be rid of thyroid cancer is surgery to remove my thyroid and to swallow one radioactive pill. Done and done. Surgery was awful, and the pill itself wasn’t actually a terrible experience. The fear that came with both of those, the nightmares leading up to each, the hypocalcemia, going on and off hormone replacements, eating a strict diet, and being dizzy from low blood pressure from said diet were what ended up being the most difficult in my personal experience.

No, the pill did not make me glow green as I joked it would with my family and friends. There is not a radioactive beam shining from my neck. I am not my own personal flashlight. But honestly, it would have made life a little more interesting!

The most life changing effect on me physically was the removal of my thyroid gland. The scar will fad, the swelling will go down and my voice will eventually not crack at certain pitches, but I will have to take a thyroid replacement hormone every day for the rest of my life. Yes, I’m making that out to sound like a tragedy. It’s not. People even without thyroid cancer have to take this same medicine every day due to issues with their functioning thyroid glands. It’s not an uncommon drug to take. Though, being off of it without a thyroid gland was difficult!

Did you know that your thyroid controls your metabolism and regulates your body temperature, along with energy conservation and usage? I had to stop taking Synthroid on March 31st, and will not restart it until April 28th. Add a toddler to that mix, and I praised God every day that he napped more than an hour! Because that meant my nap could be more than an hour.

I’m not writing this to make you more (or possibly less) sympathetic toward me, but instead as information. I’ve had so many people tell me that I “look good considering my illness” or ask “should you do that in your condition?” The truth is, while I must stay away from my family while I’m radioactive, it is for their protection not mine. My immune system is not compromised, my hair did not/will not all fall out, and the chances of this cancer returning or having spread through my body is very minimal (though possible, so pray against that please!)

When God called me to be a nurse and then to the specialty of oncology, I knew there were reasons beyond my understanding. This journey is possibly one of them. The diagnosis of cancer does not mean imminent death. However, no matter who you are, your life will end at some point. That’s just a fact. The only steadfast thing I know is God. I cling to Him who has saved me with all my might knowing that this cancer may not kill me, but something else beyond my control or foresight could.  We are not permanent on this earth.

Hold close the ones you love. Hug cancer patients. You can’t catch cancer like a cold or the stomach flu. Please look beyond the diagnosis that is sometimes hung above their head like a neon warning sign, and ask about real life. Not everyone with cancer walks around bald, looking sick all the time.

Care for the caregivers. My husband has been through a world of emotions, fears and worries that I cannot begin to comprehend! We are so fortunate to have the people around us that we do. Not everyone is as blessed with family and a community of friends like we are, though. You never know when your actions, big or small, will help. There were many times that I could not “be there” for Nate either because I was in my own emotional state, or I just plain did not understand what he was experiencing. I am so thankful for the many friends that have come alongside both of us and supported us in unique ways, and also understand when we need some alone time.

Thank you for taking the time to read this! We so appreciate your prayers and encouraging words as we trudge or skip (depending on the day) down this crazy path that God has set before us. May He be glorified through this trial and far beyond what we can ever imagine! We are so glad to remember that this is another season of life, another curve in the road, and that as long as we focus on what is important, then we will make it to see the promised rainbow after the storm!

Love,
Beth

Isolation Day 3

"How many times have you heard me cry out,

'God please take this'?"

Need You Now by Plumb

When Nate and I went to Kauai a couple years ago, everything went wrong in the first 24 hours.  Our first flight was delayed, there was a mix up with our hotel when we finally arrived in the middle of the night, our key to our room wouldn't work, and so much more.  The next morning, I'd had it!  I prayed out of frustration "Lord, please let the rest of this trip go flawlessly, this is too much! And, I want free breakfast!"  When we checked into the correct hotel not even ten minutes later, the woman behind the counter said "we are so sorry for all you've been through, here are two vouchers for breakfast!"  I don't know that I had ever had a prayer answered so fast in all my life, and so obviously to say "I'm taking care of you, calm down!"  I find unimaginable hope in the fact that God has taken care of us time and time again, when we've asked and when we haven't, when we wanted and when we didn't want.  We serve a good God who chooses to bless and love us.

While I didn't share a verse today, I'm sharing some lyrics to the song Nate listened to while I was in surgery to have my thyroid removed.  This was Nate's way of expressing this trial has been "too much."  We've always connected over music, and so many scriptures were written as songs, inspire songs, or are put to modern music. This is a good one for this season of our life.  I feel like there is a gravity that music has on the soul, and that it is used as a sweet communication that can bring us closer to God.  "Our song" has changed over the years depending on our season of life, and I have to say I'm pleased to add the one above to the soundtrack of our marriage.  However, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I hope for some happier, upbeat tracks in the years to come!  

Today was a rough day for all of us, to express things mildly.  Sam was a coughing, vomiting mess, and Nate called in his mom for reinforcements.  He is pretty much a rockstar and has handled things with patience and a grace that I truly admire.  Thank you, Nathan, for stepping up and taking such wonderful care of our son. 

Please pray for Sam's continued healing, that Nate won't have to administer the steroid that the doctor prescribed to keep on hand if his coughing gets too bad, and that Nate would continue to have a positive outlook on this week.  It is a very helpless feeling to be only 35 miles away from my husband and child and not be able to be by their side. I have to surrender both of them into the Lord's care over and over all day long!  However, it is a very powerful thing to know that the God of the heavens and the earth has strategically placed people in our lives to make these times easier in ways we don't expect!

Blessings from today:

~Dani, thank you for being an excellent delivery service to my boys today.  I knew Nate would not be getting out of the house to get some necessities for Sam, and what made it worse was that he'd been up since 5 with no coffee!  You are an amazing friend and blessing.  It brought me peace knowing that Nate could open the front door and find you standing there with coffee and other goodies!  We are so incredibly lucky to have you in our lives, and I am daily thankful that God arranged our friendship the way he did almost 5 years ago!  You will never know how deeply your actions touched my heart today.

~Lauren/Mom(in-law) thank you for being an extra set of hands and for relieving Nate today.  It was so nice to see Sam get so excited that you are there when we chatted on FaceTime earlier.  Thank you for letting Nate shower and have a few moments alone without worrying about Sam.  It means so much to all three of us!

~Erin!  What a blessing that the Lord provided my first meal off of my "special diet" through you.  Thank you so much for your generosity and kind words.  My taste buds danced!  Is that weird?  Seriously delicious food!!!

~The Rey Family, thank you for stopping my boys on their walk to pray for them and me!  Wow!  You brought tears to this mama's eyes.  We are so blessed to have one of the incredible pastors from our church live so close, and to pray over our little family.  Calvary SLO has really come alongside us with a wonderful community of friends and prayer warriors.

~My co-workers, thank you for being flexible and always checking on me.  You are my family away from family.  I love you guys!

~My parents and sister, thanks for letting me interrupt you throughout the day with stupid questions about wi-fi and for food deliveries, and even for backup to go help Nate.  This week will be on the record books for our family.

~Everyone who reads this blog.  Whether you are praying for us, thinking good thoughts, or just reading, thank you for taking time from your day to see how we are doing.

While this week could be going terribly worse, I'm glad it is 3 days over.  I am feeling better today physically, less nauseous, and happy to eat "real" food!  I learned a lot from the low-iodine diet, many clean eating tips that I will continue, but man, the convenience of frozen vegetables when you have a crazy 15 month old is a beautiful thing! Who knew iodine was in so many foods?!

Sam has been asleep for a little while now, and so far hasn't had any problems per Nate.  My mother-in-law is staying the night, so that will be a huge help for Nate if Sam is awake during the night!  Please pray he sleeps vomit free!  I know Nate is tired of laundry and being sleep-deprived!

Thank you for your continued prayers on this journey!  I am so thankful for the resources God has blessed us with.  May He receive all the glory on the good days and the bad ones too!!!

Love,
Beth